Funundrum recommends

Today Funundrum would like to recommend a blog that was found via Boing-Boing -- Skull-a-Day. This guy's goal is to publish skull-related stuff every day for a year. So far, there's been some neat art, pictures of a little girl in an awesome skeleton costume, and even a free skull font, which I totally recommend for any sign that needs printing in the near future. Think of how your "do not eat" notice taped onto your food in the office fridge could be improved if, instead of a crappy post-it note, it looked like this:

So yeah, that's something fun to check out if you're actively seeking skull-related items, or if you're bored, or just tired of working on your PhD (you know who you are -- both of you. Get back to work.).

I don't get it (part 2)

America's love affair with Britain has turned a ghastly corner. First it was the Beatles, then it was casting an English guy as every villain in every movie for the last 40 years, and now it's come down to our cosmetics.

If you've been in Target recently, you may have sauntered past the Boots aisle. "Welcome to the British aisle," it crows. For those of you who have never been to Britain, 1.) Go. 2.) Boots is an omnipresent drugstore in Britain -- nothing more, nothing less. Depending on the size of town and concentration of other nearby Boots locations, the shop may vary in size from little more than a newsagent to a full-on grocery store, drug store, and pharmacy. The Boots brand products at said store are just like store-brand stuff here -- slightly cheaper versions of name brand items.

Americans either don't know this, or don't care. Apparently some focus group said, "Yes! Put face lotion in a Boots bottle and women will choose it over Neutrogena or Olay because it will make them appear knowing and cosmopolitan. It's British, can't you see? It says so right on the bottle!"

This is what it must feel like to be Japanese and falling all over oneself for a t-shirt because it's in English. It certainly makes us look just as silly.

P.S. -- if you haven't wasted an afternoon on engrish.com, you haven't lived.

Update -- I was wasting the evening on engrish.com and found this gem, which is much more relevant to my interests.

I don't get it (part 1)

I saw this on Dave Barry's blog and couldn't help but to regift it to you people. Remember the Baconator? Sure you do. Well, chalk up another one for fried strips of pork flesh, because today I bring you the "Bacon Exotic Candy Bar." The description is the tagline: "Applewood smoked bacon + Alder smoked salt + deep milk chocolate." It's only $7.00 for 3 ounces, which is a bargain at $37 a pound.

Tell you what. Come over to my house, slip me a $20, and I'll cook you up a half pound of bacon and wrap it around individual Hershey's kisses. I will also dial 9 and 1, and wait for you to tell me to dial 1 again.

Except for the heart attack at the end, does that not sound a little bit delicious? Note to my vegan reader: the answer is "yes." Tough titties.

"Coca-Cola is Hydrating" Update

Remember the ad copy from the side of the Diet Coke box? It's the bit that begins, "Who knew soft drinks could be hydrating?"

They've gotten even more obtuse. Now, the copy reads, "Who knew sparkling beverages could be hydrating?" They've gone from cola, to soft drinks, to sparkling beverages. Next up will be "Did you know that when you drink liquids, you won't be thirsty anymore?" Coca-Cola, beer, maple syrup, and some kinds of interior paints will be included on the list of items that might help you to quench your thirst. Thanks, Big Soda, for looking out for me.

Tips on climbing Mt. Elbert

1. Don't.

On Saturday, we climbed our third Fourteener (the second was Mt. Bierstadt -- maybe I'll throw in our summit picture at the end here). Mt. Elbert, at 14,440 feet, is the tallest mountain in Colorado. It's even the tallest mountain in the Rockies. Hell, it would be the tallest mountain in the lower 48 states were it not for Mt. Whitney (just 65 feet taller, that bitch).

Because the trailhead is at a lower elevation than the other two peaks we've climbed, the overall ascent was higher -- and let me tell you, we felt every bit of it, as we were wearing our crappy $30 hiking shoes that we bought a year ago for our trip to Peru. While we were up there, the wind was strong enough to shake our balance, and it even snowed a couple of times (it was the consistency of Dippin' Dots, which kind of hurts when flung into your face at 40 mph.)

But it was a pretty hike. Since we hit it up late in the season there weren't many people out there, and the ones who were there were all very polite and quiet mountaineer types, unlike the hordes of tools that clog the trails in July and August. We even had the summit to ourselves!

The ascent took around 5 hours, and the descent took nearly that due to the steepness of the mountain, the crappiness of our shoes, and Chris' knee refusing to cooperate.


We were thinking of cramming in one more 14er this season, but after the smacking that we got from Elbert, we think we'll just wait until spring comes around again on the guitar.

Oh, we're so cheerful at 7am. We've been up since 3:30 (hence the puffy eyes) and only got lost once on the way. And yes, in the background there, you can see an aspen turning gold. My, but it's a nice state I live in.

This little guy sat down next to us while we were resting at the treeline (about 12,000 feet). He's actually a good 10 inches tall, and was into sitting on the branch just beside me.

The summit at last. We got our picture taken by the only other people up there, who promptly descended and left it all to us.

This is actually me at the top of Mt. Bierstadt, which we climbed in July. I know they all look the same to you people, but they're unique like snowflakes to Chris and I. Giant, 4,400 meter tall snowflakes made of rock and despair.

Bad Copy of the Day award

As part of my never-ending search to complete the Checklist of Stuff You Apparently Cannot Have a Wedding Without, I've brought you people some of the more cringingly bizarre and ugly corners of wedding-related websites.

Today's no exception. I was poking around some sites that sell headbands and tiaras, and found one that considers itself to be the J. Peterman of the bridal millinery world.

Ice Crystal Cave

It takes only a single ray of sunlight to illuminate the whole cavern. The light dances from one ice crystal to the next; traveling like electric current through carnival lanterns. It becomes a fairy tale kingdom. You can almost see a procession of heartbreakingly beautiful beings approach a diamond throne. A soft voice echoes with an incantation of love, but it's actually water trickling down through fissures in the ice. The ice could crack, and everything could change in a second. It reminds you of how perilous yet precious any moment in life can be. For this reason, you treasure every beautiful minute, especially the time that you spend with your beloved.

What the hell? Am I getting married to the Wampa from Hoth? I'm not sure what's going on here, but I've included the picture of the (hideous) tiara they're trying to sell with this copy. EVERY SINGLE ONE of their headpieces has a blurb like this. I hate to admit it, but I may spend the rest of the afternoon on their website, reveling in the outrageous ad copy.

Dear Weather Channel:

Thank you for your recent interest in my viewership. It may please you to know that we are already a frequent visitor to your channel, mostly in direct relation to the severity of the weather outside. When there's even the remotest chance of a blizzard or a heat wave, we're right there with you, in search of the day's dewpoint, humidity level, and chance of debilitating climactical change.

Your recent foray into creative vocabulary, however, gives Funundrum no choice but to reluctantly reject your application for acceptance... in general. The incident to which we refer is, of course, your evening weatherman's report of the tropical depression off the coast of Texas, immediately after he indicated the possiblity of another four inches of rain in the near future. "We're now in what we like to call a 'nowcast' situation," he proclaimed.

No. We are not, in fact, in a "nowcast" situation. I believe this turn of events calls for the eloquent and time-tested term "the present."

In light of this disappointing performance, you will surely understand our reluctance to continue our professional relationship together. We wish you the utmost in your future undertakings and thank you for your contribution to our organization.

My drugstore is a TIME MACHINE

I went to the drugstore today for the usual $50 worth of assorted geegaws, and when I went to the checkout line I found myself behind three Cavorting Teens ™. (They get a service mark on account of their suburbia-bred blandness -- your brand new AC/DC t-shirt does, in fact, prove that you are a unique snowflake, just like all your friends.) I wasn't paying too much attention to the transaction until one of these kids PULLED OUT A CHECKBOOK. A checkbook. A book of analog, ink-on-paper, non-smart-chip-embedded checks, with nary an iPrefix in sight.

As you may imagine, I was floored. The best part was when the kid peered closely at his checks and said to his friends, "Oh wait, these won't work. I gotta go to the car." He then left the store, freeing up the cashier to wait on me. It was too bad, really. I was hoping for a few other anachronisms -- maybe his pager could have gone off, or he could have asked for change to use in the payphone.

Bad Copy of the Day Award

I come across as many of these as I used to, but when I do it's a special treat. Today's BCD award honors bad company mottos everywhere by highlighting that of U.S. Nursing, a nurse staffing company that pleads with potential clients, "Expect more from us."

I understand what they're trying for -- it was probably the most concise way they could say "Expect more from us than you would from other staffing companies, because we can deliver higher quality at a surprisingly reasonable pricepoint." I can see why they would have to cut it down, otherwise they'd have to get larger business cards. But the only time I tell someone "I expect more from you," it's because they've royally screwed up. I'm no marketing expert, but it just seems to me that if your tagline can be taken two ways, and one of them fails to sell your product, it's time to put your thinking caps back on.

Suck it, VW

Every week, the lobby at work has a huge flower arrangement, as well as a smaller on on a coffee table. I never realized this, but employees can simply request to take them home on Friday, which would be lovely if one was having a party or something. Anyway, the girl who was taking them home offered me the smaller bunch of flowers -- stargazer lilies and a spider mum. I had to bring them home somehow, so they rode home in a party cup filled with water. The overall effect was like the bud vase in the dashboard of every VW Beetle, but times 100.