Puerto Rico -- Because You're Lazy!

I was watching the Colbert Report, furiously crocheting Christmas stockings (attention Mom Arehart -- they will be done in a couple of weeks) and they aired a Daily Show teaser. After the teaser, a screenshot of Happy Swimsuit People came up, and the voiceover man said "This Daily Show News Break was brought you you by Puerto Rico, where no US passport is required."

Since I am subliminally aware of passport and visa requirements for just about any destination on our globe -- it's a bizarre gift -- I am here to tell you that most of the Caribbean is switching over to requiring valid passports from visiting US citizens. For decades now, a birth certificate has been good enough, and these little countries are finally fighting for their right to higher security, which they most certainly deserve.

I assure you that this is causing a world of unrest in the cruise industry, because Margaret Finkelstein has never, never do you hear me, had to get a passport and she doesn't see why she has to start now. Frankly, I don't understand how toting around a grubby piece of paper is better than genteely producing a slick, internationally recognized, high tech identification booklet, but that's the way it is.

I promise this all comes back around to Puerto Rico. Their latest marketing campaign is planted firmly in the belief that people would rather change their travel plans (and limit them to one sad little island) than simply fill out a form and take it to the post office. And the thing is, the marketing people are right. The Bubble People, the same ones who ask why anyone would want to go to Mexico (hi Aunt Janie), the ones who can't imagine what it might be like to take a restaurant recommendation from a non-English-speaking cab driver -- these are the ones who fear passports. You see, passports mock. That shiny gold leaf on the cover, the blank face staring out from the first page, that expanse of un-stamped paper in the back -- all of that hints at the possibility that just maybe there's a whole world out there that other people with passports are experiencing. And since the Bubble People would have to get passports just to go have en-white-ified friendly Jamaicans make them fruity drinks identical to those they could find in any stateside TGI Friday's, they recoil in horror and immediately demand that their dusty old travel agent find them an island that does not require them to face their own explorational shortcomings.

Puerto Rico is apparently the answer, which is fine by me. If we can concentrate the loud ugly Americans on an island that we already own, that means they're not stinking up the countries I'd rather be in. With my passport.