I'm probably just a picky American.

I can't be the only person to ever have thought of this. Why do bathrooms have to be so user unfriendly? And if you think I'm about to toe the typical girly "germs are icky" party line, think again. I'm talking about that thing you do, wherein you make as little noise of any kind as possible, in the fervent hopes that whoever else is sharing the bathroom will do likewise. I find this just about everywhere I go (pardon the pun). Girls will shuffle their feet, rattle superfluous cowboy hats*, and violently unroll yards of toilet paper in an effort to disguise the fact that they are making noises that 6 billion other people on Earth also make, most likely repeatedly in one day.

Anyway, I want our bathrooms to be more like they are in other places. In the airport in Brussels, each stall is its own little room, with a full sized wood door. You are closed in. You do not have to listen to anyone else. You do not have to strew crinkly paper products all over the place to keep other people from hearing you. It's kind of cozy. You're claustrophobic, you say? You can hold it until later, I say. We make enough compromises for you people.

Another great way to improve the overall bathroom ambience and, at the same time, reduce bodily noises, is to pipe in the sound of a burbling brook or ocean waves. They do it in Japan (because they're weird, but it ends up working out in this case).

So. I've singlehandedly fixed the noise problem. But what about that godawful smell? How come bathrooms are never adequately ventilated? The only air vent I can see at my office is a small rectangle over the second of three stalls, and its chief purpose seems to be piping in the jocular conversations from the men's room. Hell, if I could pee whilst standing next to a couple of friends, I'd be gabbing too. Instead, I'm relegated to stifling silence. In addition to the aforementioned individual stalls, how about vent hoods, just like over your stove at home? Even better, how about one big industrial sized one, like at McDonald's? I'm sure it would do worlds more good than the little automated spray can of air freshener in my office bathroom that is mounted just tauntingly high enough that I can't rip it out of its little holster and throw it away.

So get right up on that, if you would. I'm getting tired of this.


*Cowboy hats are what seat covers clearly look like when you put them on your head with the flap facing forward. Yes, you have too heard of it before. Whoever photoshops one onto Gee Dub wins a huge prize, including but not limited to the photo's immediate publication on Funundrum.