The Corporate Monkey Reports

Hey kids, Funundrum's been a bit slow during my first week of the new job, on account of shopping for new clothes, taking care of all the other household chores that I used to do during the day, and generally experiencing a bit of a brain meltdown by having periodic realizations that my free time is now mine.

The new job is great, and everything that a corporate environment should be. Everyone's so damn friendly, and genuinely glad to have me working there. It's like I'm... what's the word? Valued. That's it. After my last job, I had just about forgotten what that was like. Aside from the people, here' s a short and incomplete list of cool stuff about my new job:

A motorized desk that goes up and down with a little switch. I can work standing up if I start to get ass cramps.

Diet Dr Pepper in the vending machine.

A beautiful cubicle that's graced with tall frosted glass windows. I don't have to see the ugly tops of peoples' heads as they walk by.

My cube will eventually have my name on it. Not a plastic plaque, mind you, but black transfer letters on the frosted glass, in a kicky brushstroky font.

Free covered underground parking. Those of you who have worked in LA will appreciate the "free" part. Those of you who have ever worked where it snows will appreciate the "covered underground" part. My car is warm and dry when I leave work, every single day.

Ample recycling bins. Yay recycling!

Beer Fridays. Sure, it's one per person, but that's exactly one beer a week more than I've never gotten from any other employer.

Once a month "New Business" parties. Munchies and mingling -- why ask why?

More than one refrigerator and microwave per 100 people. If you have to ask me why this is such a big deal, you have obviously never had any of my past jobs.

All of this and more. Plus, on my first day, my boss took the whole department (all 6 of us) out to lunch at a nice restaurant next door. It's almost as though these people want me to enjoy working for their giant insurance brokerage. And you know what? I do.