AOL makes the baby Jesus cry.

Today, I got sent a story about how AOL is launching a new marketing campaign, wherein they precede every one of their products with the phrase "I AM," as in "I AM VOICE CHAT" and so forth.

Crazy Jesus People are up in arms -- apparently, this time round they've been reading the Old Testament. You know, the one that focuses more on beating the crap out of heathens, foreigners, and gays. Good times. Anyway, apparently it's a slow news day in Texas, so these people are upset that AOL is using the phrase "I AM," which is also the self-proclaimed name of God.

Key quote from outraged Christian:

"God is patient, but mankind is today making an error of epic proportions by the deliberate actions of mocking the Almighty; particularly in the technologically advanced society. His patience with the mockery of mankind will come to an end." [Crazy asshole] Millar suggested AOL would never think of using – or misusing – the names "Allah," or "Buddha" in its corporate marketing efforts.

In an effort to help the rest of the world comply with these new demands, Hubert and I have compiled a list of other American products that might offend Yaweh:

• Iams cat food
• Any book containing the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am."
• Popeye: I yam what I yam. (suitable for a vegetarian God)

As for misusing the names Allah and Buddha, I'm trying to get my people in touch with some marketing people so I can pitch my new low-fat spread, "I Can't Believe It's Not Buddha."