Magic Egg: Day 20

Exactly how long does it take for a bean plant to sprout, anyway?

New rule, apparently.

If you are carrying a water bottle in your hand, and also a cup with water in it in the tips of your fingers (same hand), the rules of gravity continue to apply to both items. Even if you're only trying to drink out of one.



(Thanks to warninglabelgenerator.com for the excellent warning label)

The magic of television.

For most of us, an embarrassing Memorial Day sunburn is just that. You sat out by the pool, had a few too many beers, and fell asleep for a few hours. So what? You're just lucky that no one wrote crude things on your stomach in sunscreen.

But when you're on TV 5 days a week, the stakes are a little higher. Oh crap, you say. Now you not only have to show up to work looking like a high contrast Oompa Loompa, but all of America knows what you did last weekend:

Once I posted this picture, I realized that the shockingly red man didn't look quite as shocking as he did in real life. Thanks to MS Paint, I cunningly placed Lobster Man next to Liz Clayman for comparison. I know, I probably could have got a more flattering screenshot of Liz Clayman, but she irks me for some unknown reason.

StuffOnMyChris.com

Remember StuffOnMyCat.com? I saw my own opportunity today, albeit minus the cat.



When I pulled the sofa cushions out from behind him, he turned over -- but went right back to sleep. I took advantage, of course.

Personalized Jehovah's Witness Delivery!

Just one more reason that Colorado rocks. Unlike watered-down Jehovah's Witness programs in other states I've lived in, I just received an individual visit from a lovely Filipino couple. I saw their car drive up to my house. They got out and came right up to my door. They were wearing delightfully colorful street clothes, rather than those dour suits found on more cookie-cutter Announcers of Jehovah's Kingdom.

After introducing themselves and asking if I was acquainted with their little organization, I replied that I was, but unfortunately too busy to speak with them at length about God's wonderful purpose for mankind. I lied -- does this mean that I'm in dire need of their good news? Perhaps. But that's not the point here.

After bidding me a good day, they turned around, got back in their car, and drove away. I'm pretty creeped out. I have to go now, so I can check each page of the Watchtower for GPS tracking dots.

Magic Egg: Day 11.

I hate you, Magic Egg.

Oh, something's growing in there all right, but nothing's coming out the top yet and at no point have I yet received a botanically-inspired message of "I love you."

In this first picture, there is all sorts of nature-type activity going on. The mass of roots is even pushing out the cotton filler in the bottom of the egg. See, that's my problem here. The miracle of life is happening on the wrong end. The business end of the Magic Egg remains sadly barren.


The Egg mocks me by using its massive root system to lurch drunkenly to one side.

Stupid thunderstorm.

Over the last week or so, we've had a string of thunderstorms roll in throughout the afternoon and early evening. Very few of them have produced much rain, or thunder for that matter, so I haven't given them much thought.

This evening, I was sitting downstairs, playing eBay in the vain hopes of getting rid of the last of my 70s emo hipster shirts (anyone? anyone?) when I heard the wind start to howl pretty good. It wasn't until about 30 minutes later, after the sprinklers turned off, that I heard the rain slapping against the back of our house. The same side of the house that had several windows thrown open to the night.

Sho'nuff, my entire kitchen was wet. The blinds were dripping water, there was a small rivulet cascading down from the windowsill into the sink, and my floor and table were slick with spray. Since this is why I keep old nasty towels laying around, this wasn't a problem in and of itself. No, I was more pissed off that since the floor was already dirty, the fine sheen of water took away my last excuse for not mopping.

I begrudgingly busted out the Swiffer, cursing the inky blackness without.

And in case you're wondering...

...which I know you are, here's my favorite parody trailer of all time. It's The Shining, recast as a lighthearted family comedy. Must be seen to be believed. Then seen again, and again, and again. Excuse me while I go watch it one more time.

New technology rules.

Okay, it appears as though I have the power now to embed YouTube videos into my blog. Sweet Jesus, that would be super cool.

So as my first test I'm going to throw something up here that was brought to my attention by Dave Barry's blog -- the second best parody movie trailer I've ever seen. Let's see if this works.

(notice to those of you playing from St. Mary's -- there is a bad word at the end of the clip, so maybe shoo the kids out of the room and do a pre-emptive Our Father.)

Yeehaw.

I just can't keep this to myself any longer -- this is just a goofy picture that I love. I wasn't listening too closely to my dad when he told me what the deal was with this guy -- he's a very talented trick roper who was involved with some event on Catalina.

And that's my mom. Good times.

Magic Egg: Day 6: LOOKIE LOOKIE LOOKIE

It's here! The Magic Egg is here!!!


Kind of.
From the top, it's the same old manky egg.


But turn it over, and the miracle of life is apparent. I looked closely -- there are no words printed on the root. The vigil continues.

News flash: Teletubbies WAY too creepy

I know that the Teletubbies aren't really news. But today I experienced them in an entirely new way: on the radio.

When I got in my car to go to the post office, I accidentally switched over from one set of FM stations to another. What happened to come up was a radio broadcast (simulcast, if you want to get fancy) of the local PBS station. Now, if you've never seen Teletubbies, it's pretty heavy on the visual cues, not so much on the audio.

What came over the airwaves was a bizarre collection of ambient Foley. The sound of grass blowing in the wind was augmented by the soft chuckle of a baby, an organic sounding motor noise, and a tinny announcer repeating, "Time for Teletubbies!" over and over. Then, fading in after weird cat-walking-on-a-piano music was a thick British voice murmuring, "Tinky. Winky. Tinky Winky."

It's like they hired Pink Floyd to do a children's show, and the kids from "The Wall" found the acid stash before work started. Super creepy, but excellent if treated as experimental music. It was more entertaining than whatever Chili Peppers song was on the rock station, that's for sure.

Magic Egg: Day 4

As you may have guessed, nothing happened today on the Magic Egg front. The outside is slightly mankier, but I'd hardly call that a development.

However, as you can see on the pull-back shot, we did get our new curtain rod hung up in the front room. We are so awesome. The Magic Egg really ties the room together.


In other news, we finally got a bedroom set. By "we," I mean those of us in the house that have more purchasing power than a 10-year-old. So Chris, basically. But I helped him pick it out and it rocks. Unfortunately we have to wait for three to four months to get it. That's a really really long time, but it will be super cool not to have books and lamps and stuff lying directly on the floor. I mean, it's been fun to pretend that we just moved in, but I'm over it.

Other than that, a bit of a slow weekend. Sorry for the letdown. I will try to be more exciting in the near future.

Magic Egg: Day 3

I spared all of you a Day 2 update for two very important reasons. 1) I was out having a life and 2) nothing happened.

So here it is, your Magic Egg Day 3 Update:



The only change appears to be some odd discoloration around the top of the egg. So there you have it. Stay tuned for more Magic Egg updates -- live, local, as they happen. *cue crappy local news exit music*

Happy Birthday Funundrum!

Believe it or not, I've been doing this for a whole year. So what have we learned in 365 days and 240 posts? Let's review:

1. Jesus wanted to wear corduroy pants.
2. Neighbors suck, but they're funny.
3. Dream pizzas don't cook until 17 Satan.
4. The new Pope looks like a frilled lizard.
5. Couche-Tard.
6. Beef Panties.
7. Bad copy = funny.
8. Squirrels are evil, but funny.

I know it's not much, but still it's better than a swift kick in the ass, no? Anyway, kids, thanks for coming with me this far. Keep on truckin'.

Magic Egg: Day 1

As you may recall, I purchased a tiny little piece of 21st century magic from Wal-Mart last week for the low, low price of $2.97.

Today is Day 1 of the Magic Egg Experience.

I followed the instructions precisely, beginning with those on the flat underside of the egg. I tore down it. Oh, yes, I tore down it with a passion. Sadly, no waterspout appeared. Just some white cottony filler.



Next, it was time to "crack the egg open by tapping it with a spoon." I was highly skeptical of the feasibility of this plan, as my previous experience with ceramics led me to expect that the cheap egg would just kind of crack open vertically, leaving unsightly jagged edges. However, I was pleased to see that the ceramic shell chipped away in pleasing little flat flakes, kind of looking like the layers of a Butterfinger.
The inside is filled with what appears to be either small pieces of wood, cork, or tears of the unborn, though I seriously doubt that Wal-Mart could get a good profit margin using tears of the unborn. Could be space-age polymers. No sign of a visible bean seed though.

All that was left was to water the Magic Egg...


Set it in a sunny place...


...and wait. As you can see, I've left the box next to the egg so you can measure its progress against the graphic.

This is it.

Today is the day of The Magic Egg™. Prepare yourselves.

Draw a pig, solve all your problems.

Awesomest website ever. They invite you to draw a pig. Then they ask you some questions about how you drew your particular pig. Based on that, they tell you stuff about your personality.

Pfffft. Whatevs. You get to draw a pig! I plan on visiting this site several times in the future when I can't bear to write another 500 words on the intricacies of trucking accident law. For now, here's my first go.

According to this drawing, I am a pessimistic risk-taker and a bad listener who enjoys playing devil's advocate. See the whole thing here.

This is frighteningly accurate. I am labeling the Pig-Drawing Test as a tool of Satan.

Draw your own pig here!

Spring 2006 Update

Isn't that nice? The big Sleepy Hollow trees are finally putting out leaves, the open space is getting all pretty, and HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THAT WHITE STUFF ALL OVER THE DECK???

It snowed last night. Yep. It's May 10th today. Back home, people are out on the beach. Back in my other home in FLL, people are bitching about the humidity and thunderstorms. Here, it's snowing.

I'm probably overstating things, as it's going to be a beautiful, warm day. But still, it's enough to fry my little southern California brain.

Fun at LAX

Since the terrorists have cancelled most of the fun stuff I used to love at LAX (taunting Hari Krishnas foremost), we have to make our own amusement. For example, in the bowels of Terminal 3, we got to pretend we were at the zoo. They've got a little outdoor patio for smokers , enclosed on one side with glass. It looks for all the world like a zoo exhibit -- we were expecting to see a small placard explaining the species, Smokus Chainus. Perhaps they used to roam free over the entire greater Los Angeles basin, usually in packs, until they were hunted to near-extinction. LAX could initiate a breeding program, but that would involve the installation of a bar, and I don't think there's that kind of room in the enclosure.

Get ready

Tomorrow Chris and I are leaving for California for Kenny's graduation and other various events, such as seeing Eddie Izzard perform on Friday.

Yeah, you heard me. Eddie "I'm covered in bees!" Izzard. Whooooooooo!

But anyway, chances are good that there won't be a whole lot going on in the way of Funundrum, so I'll leave you with this. When Chris and I were at Wal-Mart today, I saw a product that was more intriguing than anything I have ever seen in my whole entire life. It was at least intriguing enough that I was willing to pay $2.97 for it.

It is The Magic Egg™.



The Magic Egg™ is a ceramic egg that you crack open and water. A bean plant will supposedly emerge, and on the bean is A PREPRINTED MESSAGE. In this case, it is "I love you." The Magic Egg™ is the reason that I thank God every day that I live in the 21st century. This will be the greatest experience, for both myself and my bloggers, ever. And I'm totally not building it up at all.

Since we're leaving tomorrow, I am saving The Magic Egg™ Experience for my return. Try to occupy your time with diverting activities, so as to take your mind off the feverish expectation that you're now living with.

Whoo! Flasher!

Chris and I were coming home from the store tonight when we spotted the channel 2 news van just down the street from our house. There was a neighbor out with his dog, watching the action, so we hustled on over to rubberneck. When we asked him what the deal was, he told us that there is apparently a serial flasher on the loose in our neck of Highlands Ranch. It's true! Read about it here! There's even a video. About halfway through, they show a woman who's wearing a fanny pack on her back (weird? yes.) -- we saw her today out on the trail and mocked her. She didn't get flashed and we don't know her personally, but I'm just trying to add some human interest to this story.

So even though I haven't heard of any Amber Alerts since I got here, I guess now I have to look out for some stalker. Lame.

Guys, I think they're serious.

I could go without a maid (don't have one right now), a child-minder (no kids), and a bunch of other people that are typically illegal immigrants. But this. No. Never this. This is by far the best argument for immigrants so far. Please enjoy the benefits of America, just don't cut me off from Mexican food.