AOL makes the baby Jesus cry.

Today, I got sent a story about how AOL is launching a new marketing campaign, wherein they precede every one of their products with the phrase "I AM," as in "I AM VOICE CHAT" and so forth.

Crazy Jesus People are up in arms -- apparently, this time round they've been reading the Old Testament. You know, the one that focuses more on beating the crap out of heathens, foreigners, and gays. Good times. Anyway, apparently it's a slow news day in Texas, so these people are upset that AOL is using the phrase "I AM," which is also the self-proclaimed name of God.

Key quote from outraged Christian:

"God is patient, but mankind is today making an error of epic proportions by the deliberate actions of mocking the Almighty; particularly in the technologically advanced society. His patience with the mockery of mankind will come to an end." [Crazy asshole] Millar suggested AOL would never think of using – or misusing – the names "Allah," or "Buddha" in its corporate marketing efforts.

In an effort to help the rest of the world comply with these new demands, Hubert and I have compiled a list of other American products that might offend Yaweh:

• Iams cat food
• Any book containing the Descartes quote "I think, therefore I am."
• Popeye: I yam what I yam. (suitable for a vegetarian God)

As for misusing the names Allah and Buddha, I'm trying to get my people in touch with some marketing people so I can pitch my new low-fat spread, "I Can't Believe It's Not Buddha."

Why I don't eat seafood, reason # 14

We were walking back home from Hoboken Pizza, and we passed the sushi place that was just a few doors down. No idea what the problem was, but there was an ambulance outside, with a couple of EMTs on alert inside.

My guess is that someone had the blowfish. Please reference this handy diagram from the Simpsons episode, "One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish."

More house pictures!

More pictures of our soon-to-be-new house can be found here and here.

Happy Australia Day.

Australia Day is actually on the 26th. Right now it's the 24th, which means that in Australia it's the 25th so I have to post this now because if I wait until tomorrow, the day will be half over because they're six hours behind and a day ahead. Got it? Fantastic.

According to the Australian government, Australia Day is the day that Australians "come together as a nation and celebrate what's great about Australia and being Australian. It's the day to reflect on what we have achieved and what we can be proud of in our great nation. It's the day for us to re-commit to making Australia an even better place for the future."

Riiiiiight. Having heard about past Australia days, and even having been invited to a BBQ for Thursday (yeah, in Brisbane, and no, I can't go), I have a feeling that the best part about Australia Day can be summed up in what was one of the top ten image search results for Australia Day (and no, I'm not making this up):

That's right. Australia Day is about the same thing that Christmas, Boxing Day, New Year's Day, and every other goddamn Australian summer holiday is about: standing around outside, in your shorts, turning snags on the barbie. Yeah, America gets the same thing on Independence Day, but we have to go ruin it with an underlying principle of being freed from the bonds of the British, and the onerous debt of gratitude that we owe to soldiers past and present who have fought for blah blah blah.

The Aussies have it right. They have a holiday that simply celebrates being able to stand round, get drunk, burn meat, and listen to a full day of government sponsored, commercial free radio. It's a great lifestyle, one that has been cultivated over the last 200 or so years, one that has allowed these brave and noble people to nearly forget that 85% of their continent is uninhabitable. Good on ya.

Coachella's gonna ROCK.

Here's another bit of goodness sent to me from down Hubert-way. He doesn't know who thought this up, otherwise I'd give credit where it's due. Anyway, someone was awesome enough to imagine what the lineup for Coachella would look like if it contained some of the world's most terrible bands ever. Personally, I think Rockapella should have headlined day one.

Ha! Ha! Guy Generator

I was bitching to Hubert today, via ICQ, that this 12 page birth injury site is really throwing me for a loop. I'm seriously expected to churn out four separate pages on the intricacies of birth paralysis. I went so far, in fact, as to tell Hubert that I had been pwn3d by the site. (to learn what the kids are saying these days, click here.) About 30 seconds later, I got the following picture tossed into my face:




Thanks, hetemeel.com. Maybe it's just because I'm completely wrung out from writing this stupid site, but it was the funniest thing I had seen all day. They also have an Albert Einstein chalkboard generator. So good times.

Attention parents.

I will not come visit you if you retire to Reno. I'm your only child, so you should really think about this.

You've never even been to Reno. Either one of you. Drop it. There are hundreds of thousands of places in the world that you could retire to that aren't Reno. I mean, look at it:

Just... no. I hope this has given you something to chew on. Again, I reiterate:




Thank you for your time.

I will miss the sweet gifts of the alley.

We spent the weekend up in the Land of the Parents, visiting, eating bacon, and gathering together boxes of stuff that I haven't seen since before the San Diego, Fort Lauderdale, and Las Vegas years.

Top Five Things I Found in Boxes Marked "MISC":
5. Six Disneyland nametags, two with year pins on them, one from the Light Magic summer.
4. A square green glass jar that I bought at Pier 1 about 10 years ago and will go perfectly in our new bathroom.
3. Snowglobes. Lots of 'em.
2. Just about every piece of ceramics, good and bad, that I ever made in that storied last year at Cal State Fullerton. I miss you, ceramics.
1. Papers on Shakespeare that I really only did a good job on so I could impress the professor, who was dreamy.

So anyway, I was maneuvering into the alley so I could park in the garage, and my vintage clothes spidey sense went off. I parked the car and took a look at the bundle of clothes that had been left on top of a (very clean mind you) dumpster out back. Sure nuff, it was a big bundle of old ties. Scooping them up, I shuffled into the house Gollum style so no one would steal my Precious.

I got 5 or 6 great ties out of the bunch to wear as belts. Some of them are shiny 70s ties, some are old knit ones. Point is, they are free and deliciously hip. I don't think that sort of thing will happen in our yuppie new suburb, but it's a nice kind of beach sendoff all the same.

Denver is neat!

We just spent four days in beautiful Denver. Since we were looking at houses, it seemed like nearly four years -- we are absolutely exhausted. We looked at just over 30 houses and finally settled on a little beauty that backs up to park space and has an unobstructed view of the Rockies. Seriously. We can watch the sun set behind the mountains. The offer ought to be signed by tomorrow morning, and we can all go back to our normal lives. You know, the ones that involve me writing stuff on Funundrum and you reading it. But first I will need a nap. Enjoy these here pictures.

The park that the house backs up to is called Historic Cheese Ranch Park. I reckon we can sell the idea of cheese ranch to TGI Friday's for a couple hundred thousand bucks.


There they are, right there off the deck. Mountains! Yay! Our backyard is blissfully free of other houses. We are the coolest people in the whole world.


One night, we went down to 16th St. in downtown, where lots of shops and restaurants live. It was damn cold out, about 12 F. Coffee will fix just about anything.


Canadian geese are everywhere! It's like Denver is one big "Timmy is gross" campaign. It snowed for most of the day on Monday, so that was super cool.

Dream time...

For two nights in a row I've had the same dream. It's Chris and I purchasing tickets for a train somewhere in Europe, but I'm not sure where. The little old man behind the counter speaks English, but we're not in the UK. Whatever. Anyway, after we stated our destination the man asked, "And your beverage preference?" We were expected to order our drink (free I hope) before getting on the train, and we were supposed to order by number. After a little fumbling, we figured out the following:

• 8100 -- cafe con leche (or whatever. I've not had a similar drink in Europe so that's what it is)
• 8020 -- coffee with a little cream
• 8000 -- black coffee

I know. They seem a little hung up on the coffee thing. But I was so proud to know the numbers. I got an 8100 and Chris got an 8020. So.

But when I had the dream tonight, it was kind of bizarre. We approached the ticket counter, told the little man where we were going, and he said, "Alright, fine. But I'm sorry, we're out of 8020 for you," gesturing to Chris.

Recurring dreams are one thing, but this one is just weird. Maybe tonight we finally get on the train. Updates as they happen, right here on Funundrum.

More New Year's pictures!

I'm patiently sitting around, waiting for interesting crap to happen to me. In the mean time, as requested by my outpost in Brisbane, here's some more of my awesome pics from New Year's. Enjoy.

Turns out that La Bufadora in the winter looks a lot like northern California. It was really pretty.





Lacking anything else better to do, we climbed up to the top of the hill above Ensenada. In the background you can see the giant Mexican flag that waves over the harbor, and the Carnival Paradise, one of two evil evil cruise ships in town that day.


This is Hussong's cantina. Based on the number of Hussong's merchandise stores in town (three), I was expecting a lot more corporate crap. Instead, we were pleasantly surprised to find a tiny, peanut shell-strewn bar that was full of hard-working locals. It hasn't really changed a bit in the last 100 years.



I'm just never going to let Chris live this one down. It's just fonny.

Multi-ethnic Magic

We finally got around to seeing the latest Harry Potter movie last night. Between catching Chris up on the other three and the holidays, it took us this long. So we found ourselves at the 10 pm showing at what we call "the people's mall." It's not as ghetto as many of the malls in north Orange County, but definitely caters to the non-yacht-owning demographic of San Diego.

The theater was surprisingly full for a movie that's been out for a while, so we headed up towards the top where there were two open seats. Four or five seats in the top row were inhabited by some of the least likely-looking Harry Potter fans. Ever. They all pretty much fit the description of Fifty Cent/NBA/people who like to tie things around their heads. And just to be clear, none of these guys had girls with them or anything.

During the commercials and trailers, they hooted and hollered enough to keep up with their thug appearances, but the second the lights went down for the children's fantasy movie, I'll be damned if every one of those bad muthafukkas didn't shut up and watch it.

It goes to show you never can tell.

P.S. -- this movie was the best one yet. I hope they make more before these kids are 27, playing 15-year-olds.

New Year's Eve in Ensenada!

Chris has already blogged New Year's, so kindly go take a look at his post to see some of the pictures.

http://arehart.blogspot.com/2006/01/happy-new-year.html

We had a great time -- the town was pretty quiet, except for the day that not one, but two trashy cruise ships were in town. We went out to see La Bufadora -- it's the only attraction in the area and the one thing I remember about Ensenada from my cruise sales days.


It's a cave in the rocks that forces water and air upwards when a big wave rolls in. That's it. What you don't see is the tchotchke/food stall bonanza that lines the road on the way. It was a nice way to pleasantly waste the afternoon.

Since you really can have too many tacos, that night we went out for an early dinner of excellent Chinese food (Thanks Lonely Planet!). I am here to tell you that my Spanish is good, on menus it's okay, but Chinese food translated into Spanish is damn near incomprehensible. We ended up picking a set meal for two and telling the lady that everything had to be sin mariscos -- no seafood.

What she brought out would have comfortably fed five people. Giant bowl of soup with big chunks of meat and veggies, two huge entrees, egg rolls, a sprout-based dish, and like 3 other things I can't even remember. The only reason I mention it is that we spent the entire meal feeling like disgusting wasteful Americans, and that we must have made a mistake on the menu. Nope, it's just the most generous Chinese food restaurant in all of Mexico. I'll give you directions if you ever want to go.

The quote of the trip award goes to a stupid gringa we came across in a bar. We were the only two people in there besides her, and she spent a half hour yakking on the phone with her friends who were stuck in traffic on their way down from Las Vegas. The bartender gave her the bill for her glass of cheap white wine, and she lost it. "Forty-two dollars for a glass of wine??? That's outrageous!!"

We let her rage marinate for a few seconds -- even the bartender was just looking blankly at her. "Um, yeah. That's in pesos," we told her. "Pay the man $4.20 in US dollars." How on earth do you get to Ensenada on the toll road, on which the toll amounts are posted in both pesos and dollars, check into a hotel at which the rate is posted in both pesos and dollars, and generally walk around in Mexico which is a foreign country which conducts business in pesos but accepts US dollars, and STILL not figure out that if you see a rate that's abnormally high, there's a good chance that it's in pesos?

Anyway, it was funny.

Our New Year's Eve was spent in a quiet little bar where the bartenders blew their decorating wad by about 8pm. After the five of them handed out hats and noisemakers, and hung up the "Happy New Year" banner, they went back to standing around, watching soccer, and serving the eight people in the bar. About five minutes to midnight, we realized that there was nothing going on so we bailed to the bar across the street, where we had heard a raucous mariachi band earlier. Sure enough, we made it in time to count down in Spanish with a margarita in hand. We were smothered by happy locals who wanted nothing more than to hug and kiss us and wish us a Feliz Año.

It was fantastic. I would highly recommend it to anyone -- even to my aunt Janie, who can't understand why anyone would ever want to spend New Year's in Ensenada. Because it's better than spending it in Yorba Linda, lady. ¿Me estás jodiendo?

Bad Copy of the Day Award

I was asked to proofread a site for a LASIK doctor who practices in Anchorage, Alaska. This is one of those rare sites that comes along where we don't have to design it or write it, just host it. And boy, does it show. I was only asked to correct actual spelling and punctuation errors. As a result, I got a good two hours of nonstop entertainment.

Following are some of the best (or worst) examples from this site. The first one qualifies as what are arguably the worst opening sentences ever penned in the English language. Enjoy.

"Beholding the beauty of Alaska is a precious event most appreciated through sight. Our goal is to get you there and everywhere, every day, for the rest of your life."

"You may schedule your procedure at any time before or after your pre-examination." --That has got to be the most flexible "pre-examination" I've ever heard of.

"Bausch and Lomb© makes the individual, disposable components of these which we obtain."

What Would Jesus Drive?

Aidy told me about the most excellent Jesus/Christmas-themed automobile that she has seen for lo these many years. Tim may have been there too. It was a standard late 70s white pickup truck, with rust spots and so forth, but it was completely decked out along the sides with swags of white Christmas lights. To top it all off, the bed of the truck sported a 5 foot tall wooden cross that was also completely covered in white lights.

I was asked to recreate the experience with my questionable photoshop skillz. Here it is -- my little contribution to postponing the Christmas season just a little bit longer.

Update: After messing with this thing for like 45 minutes, I have decided that you will have to imagine the swags of lights along the side of the truck. I'm sure you'll understand.

Okay, I'm one of them now.

I'm officially one of those people who abandons their blogs for what seems like years. But I should think that the Christmas/Kwanzaa/Hanukkah/Boxing Day/Twelfth Night extravaganza is excuse enough to slack a little.

Santa was pretty good to me. I got some pretty clothes, fantastic books, and even a toy or two. Thanks are due to everyone involved in this year's gift-giving bonanza.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled Funundrum. Now that you know what it's like to go for a couple of weeks without it, I trust you'll all be treating me a little better.