And then there were none.

Ghana got their asses handed to them by Brazil. The Netherlands lost, but I didn't watch the match. Australia got completely robbed in a last minute terrible call by the ref. (Read this for some local color.) And now, finally, Argentina got screwed by their own coach. Seriously. Having to change goalies was not his fault. But his other switches sucked. And then I didn't even get to watch the end of the game because the Tivo stopped recording in the middle of overtime. I blew off two hours of work and didn't even get to see the end of the game.

Eh. So now all I've got to do is finish packing up so we can head out to the mountains this weekend. It's not going to be easy missing the next bunch of matches, but we've got beer and firewood to compensate.

New room in the house!

Okay, not really, but a lick of paint sure does make it feel new. Remember the spare bedroom that had the alphabet on the wall? Sure you do. I'll be surprised if the kid who had to put up with these letters isn't still illiterate. Would it have been much harder for his mom to put the holes in the right letters? Not really. Instead, this kid thinks that "B" is an amorphous blob.

We finally painted. The bottom part is, well, green, and the top bit is also green, albeit a much lighter shade. I have given you two pictures because I can't decide which one is more true to life. I think the second one is. But the first one has Wage in it, and he's pretty cool. The intensity of the colors really changes depending on the amount of light coming in the window.

BBQ Madness

If you haven't watched our BBQ assembly video yet, you haven't lived.

And I'm out.

This morning, I emailed Funundrum's outpost in Brisbane. I told him that Australia had a chance against Italy, no matter how small. I wanted the team to at least go down fighting.

Well, they did. After a spectacularly played 90 minutes, Italy got a penalty kick off a foul caused by an Aussie who's probably going to have to move out of the country. I kind of feel sorry for him.

Anyway, y'all did good. We'll see you in four years.

Still in the game are the following predictions from the sports experts here in Highlands Ranch:

Chris -- Argentina
Jennie -- Netherlands
Andy -- Ghana

Where the hell is Matt?

I stumbled across this video -- like most good things -- entirely by accident. It's this guy, Matt, dancing all over the world. His website, wherethehellismatt.com, explains how he did it (saved up, quit job, etc.) but really, the video is a visual representation of pure joy, or perhaps a visual representation of what pure joy would be to me, which would be travelling endlessly. Watch it every time you're having a crappy day.

That sucking sound you hear? It's the US.

God, we are so embarrassing. After a 3-0 loss to the Czech Republic, and today's 2-1 loss to Ghana (note: GHANA?), I am somehwat relieved to report that the US is officially out of the World Cup. Now I can get back to my business of supporting other countries without being labeled as a freedom hater.

Here's our final predictions for the winner of La Copa Mundial, based on hours of number-crunching, statistic-pulling, and beer-and-margarita-swilling:

Chris: Argentina (Che boludo!)
Liz: Australia (Aussie Aussie Aussie! Oi Oi Oi!)
Jennie: Netherlands (Because she's half Dutch and her favorite color is orange)
Andy: Ghana (If you can't beat 'em, join 'em)

You heard it here first.

Outstandingly awesome severe weather forecast.

Welcome to the Plains, biatches.

THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE HAS ISSUED TORNADO WATCH 542 IN EFFECT UNTIL 7 PM MDT THIS EVENING FOR THE FOLLOWING AREAS

IN COLORADO THIS WATCH INCLUDES 3 COUNTIES IN EAST CENTRAL COLORADO

ELBERT LINCOLN

IN NORTHEAST COLORADO

DOUGLAS

THIS INCLUDES THE CITIES OF...CASTLE ROCK...KIOWA AND LIMON.

I live smack in the middle of Douglas County. Surrender Dorothy!!!!

Welcome to the Inter-ma-net, Brian!

Brian's done gone and got himself a blog. Good times. You can access it here, or by using the handy link on the side of my page.

Yeah! This is so exciting! Brian, I expect to see ongoing plans for opening up that Mexican restaurant in the middle of Stratford. What were we going to call it? Como Le Gustas? It's reflexive, so I can't remember the correct translation offhand, but... really people, how can you not want to go to a proper taqueria in Stratford called As You Like It?

Fight the machines!

I was just trying to call one of my credit card companies to ask them if they'd lower my interest rate. I couldn't for the life of me get through to a human being, even after shouting "operator" repeatedly, jabbing every combination of "*," "#," and "0" I could think of, and mashing the keypad with the palm of my hand.

Then, I remembered something that had been posted on Dave Barry's blog by a reader after Dave complained about not being able to get through to AOL -- the Gethuman Database. They've got tips to try to slip past any interactive voice response system, and if that doesn't work, a looooong list of just about any US company you can think of along with what number and actions will get you to a human.

For example, the number on the back of my Capital One credit card is 1-800-955-7070. By using the tips from gethuman, I was able to finally get through. But if that hadn't worked, they list the number 1-800‑548‑4593 and say that pressing "0" will get you through to a human.

Just brilliant. Here's the gethuman database website. This has been today's public service announcement.

Note to my Florida peeps -- the database has workarounds for both BellSouth and FP&L. This would imply that there are "humans" to get through to in the first place. I will amend this and say that the tips on the database will get you through to an organic employee. "Human" is probably stretching it for these companies.

Update: They lowered my interest rate. Just for asking. That's another thing I highly recommend doing, especially if you've lived with their high interest rate for years and have (almost) always made payments on time.

God loves root beer

Alright. Until one of you makes something interesting happen to me, I'll be forced to post stuff like this. Let it be a lesson.*

I drove up with Chris last week to Vail, as he had a meeting with the Vail people. The people who own Vail. Chris is super-important. At any rate, on the way back we stopped in a little town to use their various amenities, and I saw two fast food places side by side:

Apparently His people are also total lardasses. Hey Dad -- Chix. Excellent.


I swear I looked around for the Wendy's. Didn't see it. I guess it could be wedged between the two carwash service bay thingys, but I don't think so. Wait. Maybe you can just go in there and get sprayed with Frosty. Mmmmmm. Frosty wash.

*Craig. Musk Lifesavers. This means you. Your PhD can wait. Use your ubicomp skillz for good, not evil. Can't you like teleport them to me or something?

Does Friday Time of Death happen to squirrels too?

I have the laziest squirrel in the whole world. He's been like this for at least five minutes, long enough for me to watch him for a while, grab the camera, take a picture, upload it, resize it, and post it.

Just checked. Still there.

Not funny, just weird

Right now there is an enraptured person sitting a foot away from my television, watching PBS kids' programming. It is a show about claymation children counting the number of toes on a dinosaur skeleton.

No, it's not a child in my house. It's the cable guy. But it's just a weird thing. Okay, back to your day now. When I come up with something funny I will let you know.

World Cup Commentators: Dumb as Rocks?

Funundrum reports, you decide.

I dislike sports talking heads at the best of times. Especially the shouty ones. But somehow, during world-class events, they somehow become even stupider. Maybe it's the pressure. Maybe it's that their bosses have threatened them with certain death if they allow even the smallest bit of dead air to survive. At any rate, the things that come out of their mouths are simply not to be believed. I mean, remember the Olympics?

The Argentina vs. Ivory Coast game was no different. My favorite retarded statement of the whole game:

"Wow, this game has really turned 360 degrees."

Try it. Go ahead and try it. Turn 360 degrees and see which direction you end up facing. God, I hate talking heads. I'm hoping that future games offer up similar gems.

P.S. -- for those of you not following, Argentina kicked ass. Che boludo. Also, attention Australia: if you can't beat Japan tomorrow, there is something wrong. They are three feet tall, and you guys are 100% lager-powered.

Update: Oi! Oi! Oi!

Magic Egg: It lives! IT LIVES!!!

Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!! And so on.

I was fed up with the Magic Egg a couple of days ago, on account of it not doing anything resembling anything. Rather than just toss it in the garbage, however, I tried to think scientifically -- what would the Mythbusters do? Well, they'd probably try to explode it with TNT made from newsprint and cat food. All I had was a hammer.






I don't know how the bean plant was supposed to get through that ceramic. It's a good quarter inch thick! Below is the frighteningly large plant I found inside the so-called Magic Egg. It made me feel instantly bad that I hadn't watered it for a couple of days. Since it still appeared to be alive, I planted it outside in the hopes of reviving my Magic Egg dreams. Before I put it underground, though, I checked: Still no "I love you." Stupid plant.

Rock stars and Mormons

Tuesday was interesting. At about 10 am, a group of musicians (collective noun: a stink of musicians) invaded my house. Kenny's band, The Human Abstract, as well as a few roadies and such, are on tour and were playing in Denver that night. Since they had driven all night from Ogden, Utah, we opened our home to them and offered up the most rare of all traveling delicacies: a washing machine and hot showers.

They were all very well-behaved boys and were generally grateful to have clean clothes and a quiet place to chill out for the day. In fact, only one bizarre thing happened the whole day -- Nathan, the singer, had been sitting out on our front lawn doing brooding singer-type things for a while. I happened to glance out the window and...there they were. Mormons on my lawn. Just sitting there, like conservatively dressed garden gnomes. I resisted the urge to shoo them away with a broom and instead grabbed my camera. For those of you who have never seen such a curious sight, here it is. Mormons on a lawn.



If you're wondering what Nathan spent all that time talking to the Lawn Mormons about, he says that they have some interesting things to say about the Mayans. Apparently they had a god who was fair skinned. The Mormons believe that this is on account of Jesus coming to the Americas and explains why the Mayans at first welcomed their Spanish conquerors with open arms.

Perdon, los Mormons del Césped. Jesus no fue blanco. Pinche Mormons.

Smells of death.

(apologies to the readers, I've had a rum swizzle)

For the last couple of days, our house has smelled of death. Much more so than usual. Every time we had the front windows open, a wretched smell wafted in that was so bad we assumed a rabbit or rat or something had died just outside. Sadly, it wasn't one of the World's Angriest Yapper Type Dogs that live next door... we checked.

This morning, we both put on our mental Haz-Mat suits, grabbed some shovels and rakes and other implements of destruction and went outside to look for the offending article of dead animal. At first, we thought the smell was originating from the bushes just in front of our house, but as I wandered out on the lawn towards the street, I realized that the stench was equally potent.

After Chris confirmed this, I looked round to see where else a dead thing could be hiding.

All I saw was a big tree, full of beautiful white flowers. Flowers that smell... like something died. You know that big flower, you hear about it every couple of years, the one that smells like rotten meat and only blooms for like two weeks every three years? Okay, these flowers don't smell as bad as that thing but it still smells pretty bad. We've decided that we can deal with it, as long as we know it's not a dead thing, but damn.

(Many thanks to Jeff Smith, creator of Bone, for this beautifully drawn little gem. You should check him out.)

Magic Egg: I think I killed it.

For a while, there were lots of roots growing out of the bottom of the thing, and I was waiting for something to come out of the top. Now, lots of those roots have withered and they look pretty sad. I'm wondering if I shouldn't have left it in the window -- we've had some fairly hot days round these parts.

I will keep watering the Magic Egg for another week or so, and after that it can say "I love you" to the trash can.

People's Fair 2006

The good news is that Denver has a weekend-long fair that closes down Broadway, right in front of the capitol building. There's plenty of food, music, and useless crafts to look at. The bad news is that, for some unknown reason, it's called the People's Fair. Very Mao, yes?

I just did the research. The People's Fair was put together in 1969 by a group of concerned citizens living in the Capitol Hill area. They were upset that the state wanted to change some streets in their neighborhood from two-way to one-way, and organized the fair as a way to bring the neighborhood together for their cause.

I'm happy to tell you that they succeeded. Today, 11th and 12th streets are some of the only two-way streets in all of downtown Denver. And, in a twist of delicious irony, the People's Fair that celebrates the fact has become so large that one is forced to drive through a warren of one-way streets just to get to the thing.

We had a wonderful time. Since it's so spread out, it's not nearly as crowded as the Orange International Street Fair™. But the food, beer, and music choices are decidedly less diverse. So the Orange shindig still gets my vote -- I just wish they could spread it out a little.

Mmmm... bratwurst made right here in Denver. So very very tasty.



I done went and got me a hat. I think it is awesome. Tim, I can't wait to come back out to FLL -- we can sit out by the river in our matching hats to watch the bodacity go by.

Nathan, you will be pleased to see that we have plenty of momos here too.

Now, aside from the fun, forest, and fantasy all rolled into one (only funny if you remember Santa's Village, in the cool and clear San Bernadino mountains), we were primarily at the People's Fair because Chris was playing some excellent big band type stuff with a local jazz organization. For that story and those pictures, you'll have to read his blog. Which I swear, I'm going to get him to change the name of very soon.