Funundrum: changing lives since 2005

I think maybe one reason I had to scale back my postings on this blog is that I was just having far too big an impact on the world -- I was altering history on a dangerous level. Like, you know in "Back to the Future," how Marty's brother and sister were disappearing from that picture because of Marty's actions? That level.

I offer you one example.

Remember the elusive giant bow from last Christmas?

I got a comment on that post about six months ago from a fellow by the name of Todd, who said, "I am the owner of CR Bows We specialize in just that. GIANT BOWS. We also have the worlds largest available to the public. I hope this helps. Have a wonderful day."

I checked it out -- he sure does have a website. Here it is. Good luck, fella.

If that's not enough of reaching out and touching someone via Teh Intartubes, I received a pair of messages that read like a classic holiday tale of gift-giving-related strife, last-minute epiphanies, and resulting success. All it needed was for him to throw open the window sash to the pealing of bells in the crisp Victorian morning air and shout, "Huzzah! For it is still Christmas day!"

The first comment found our protagonist with a serious issue: "I just bought an SUV for my wife for Christmas. I called the local Lexus dealer to see if they had bows for sale, but no luck! I don't have time to order one on line, so I am thinking of buying 10 rolls of wrapping paper from Wal-Mart and going wild with the scotch tape. Any recommendations on the best way to wrap a Suburban?"

Did you find the problem yet? That's right, he bought his wife an American-made, gas guzzling behemoth with no regard to his carbon footprint on the earth or his asshole footprint on the road. I was honestly too busy to reply to him, what with 1) preparing to go home to California for a week and 2) he posted anonymously and I would have had to do the public post, like I am now. It lacked drama.

Fortunately, my blog has such a grasp on the fabric of reality that he was able to draw his own inspiration without my direct involvement. A few days later, I got this update:

"Hey- It's me, the guy trying to giftwrap the Chevy Suburban again. As a clueless yet gregarious male I have found that I am able to go into stores that are generally thought of as female (such as fabric stores) and have one of the ladies working there take me in as if I were a lost puppy and help me out! So I stopped into Jo-Ann Fabrics last night and found a middle aged lady working there, told her what I was doing, and next thing you know not only has she picked out all of the things necessary to make the bow, but she has also taken me aside and made the entire thing for me! So now I have a giant custom made bow that matches the car inside and out with enough extra ribbon to wrap around the vehicle all for $10. I think making the bow and the conversation we had during the time made her day (and it definitely made mine too)."

See? This pretty much would have been my advice anyway! Reading Funundrum is good for you, boys and girls. Lesson #2 is: stop buying big cars. They are dumb. Good night.

I made this!

Look, it's like the first real piece of clothing I've ever knitted. Aside from this, all I've ever made is a huge green and purple elephant that my niece apparently loves to divebomb into now that she's learning to walk.


But this! This is a hat! It's round! I can wear it outside! It functions in both the "on" and "off" positions! I've already started on the second one, because it's fun. After this, I think I'm going to have to move on to socks. Put in your orders now, just don't expect anything before Christmas. Socks look freaking hard.

We have better grocery store employees

See, where you live, the folks working in your grocery stores are sad husks of their former selves. They shuffle around, half-heartedly stocking the same crap on the shelves day after day.

Here in Colorado, however, our grocery store employees skip gaily down the aisles, whistling happy tunes and smiling as they watch little cartoon bluebirds straighten bags and boxes on the shelves. The air is cleaner here than where you live, the women are strong, the men are good looking, and the children are above average. Wait. That's Garrison Keillor's Lake Wobegone. But still. What I'm trying to say here is that folks in Colorado are 13% more human than the jaded individuals living near the coast. Here's proof:

If that doesn't make you smile, then I don't know what will. And yes, they were stacked upside down all the way to the back of the shelf.

Why I love local commercials.

Normally I hate the crappy local car dealership commercials because they're loud, irritating, extra grating because the car dealer's wife has learned her lines pho-net-i-cal-ly. Today I saw one of those little things that makes watching live tv more palatable (oh, how spoiled Tivo has made us).

The aforementioned car dealer's wife had just begun her shrill spiel, when she mentioned that any car purchase would result in the buyer earning "one, two, three, four, five crispy hundred-dollar bills!!"

Crispy. I'm wondering if they used that word to really emphasize the new, clean condition of their hundred-dollar bills, or if she just butchered the copy every time and that was the best take they could get.

Boring month

It's been a full month since I blogged anything, but I assure you that I've left very little out. More follows, though.