Handkerchiefs -- the wave of the future

You might be surprised at the number of people out there willing to pay top dollar for a 12 inch square piece of linen. I speak, of course, about vintage handkerchiefs. I started looking for vintage hankies at estate sales after I poked around on eBay and discovered the slightly inscrutable world of handkerchief collecting. Back in the day, hankies were sold as souveniers right next to collectible spoons, thimbles, and shot glasses. Come to think of it, I'm not sure why the spoons are still around, but hankies aren't. At least you can use a handkerchief, while a small metal spoon with an enamel rendering of the Empire State Building is not as handy.



At any rate, hankies from specific states and tourist attractions, as well as those that pin down a specific point in the distant past, are hot sellers on eBay. If you'd like to get involved in the exciting, gut-wrenching action of handkerchief collecting, check out my stuff for sale. Or just scroll down and look at my hankies that will hopefully end up selling for $10 a piece.

Worst shameless plug. Ever.

By now you've probably read about the massive shooting at Virginia Tech, where some guy killed 32 people or so. The ensuing media frenzy has been swift and all-encompassing, reaching its dizzying zenith with an article on CNN.com (I know, I shouldn't bother but where else to get material like this?) entitled "Student Shot Video of Campus Shooting."

First of all, that's an incredibly uninspired headline. Using two entirely different meanings of the verb "to shoot"? CNN = lame. The body of the article went on to describe how one of the students on campus captured footage of the events on his cell phone.

The last sentence is, of course, the punchline:

"I knew it was something way more serious than [a bomb threat], so I started taking the video," he said, adding that he often visited CNN.com and knew he could send his video to I-Report.

Oh my god. Really? I-Report is this stupid format they've been pushing for several months on CNN wherein readers can send in their homemade footage and have it shown on the news site. I like to call it "Current Events' Funniest Home Videos." It's just about the laziest form of news reporting I've ever seen. How much lazier can CNN get? The answer is none. None more lazy.*


*This was a Spinal Tap joke. Please be laughing, because I am.

Definition of Irony -- One of a Series

Amusing (at least to me, and the rest of you geeks [you know who you are]): A car with a university-style sticker on it that reads "Vulcan Science Academy."

Ironic: The sticker is crooked, and placed about six inches left of center.

End of lesson. Thank you.

Pimp That Snack -- Easter edition

Happy fertility festival Easter, people. I dutifully purchased my Peeps yesterday and will be entertaining y'all with some Peep jousting goodness tomorrow later. In the meantime, I've got to share what has to be one of the most awe-inspiring DIY websites ever -- Pimp That Snack. I still haven't explored it to its depths, but the general idea seems to be that there's an incredibly gifted person out there whose mission is to make food... bigger. For example, this Cadbury Creme Egg (my favorite of all Easter foodstuffs) weighs over 6 pounds, and was made with large amounts of melted chocolate, sugar, and liquid glucose, all painstakingly assembled in a giant mold.

That wrapper is handpainted acrylic on aluminum foil. I am beside myself and a little bit frightened at this individual's attention to detail. You know that serial killer on CSI who makes the perfect miniature replicas of his crime scene? It's that level.

The best part is that step by step instructions are included in text and pictures, so I could actually have a go at making some of this stuff myself. I can't wait for the next birthday among my friends!

Peep season is here!

Nothing says "death and subsequent resurrection of our lord and savior Jesus Christ" like sugary baby animals, people. I'm talking about Peeps, the best part of every Easter season*. Of course, I don't eat them during Easter -- I just buy them, then stash them in a cupboard until they're suitably stale. If there was a way to maintain a fresh Peep's supple marshmallow interior, yet give it the unrelenting crusty shell of a 2-month-old Peep, I think we'd be well on the way to a cure for cancer. For now, though, I just have to accept the relative perfection of a gracefully aged Peep.

Today, I was given a reason to buy twice as many Peeps and enjoy some of them straight out of the box.

Peep jousting.

Watch for it to become the world's next Olympic sport -- it's that good. Here's how it works. Take two Peeps, both alike in dignity, and stick a toothpick into each one's chest. Set them facing each other in the microwave, a few inches apart, and set phasers to stun. As the Peeps inflate, one will inevitably become impaled on the other's toothpick. Instant deflation and defeat are the twin results.

Repeat the process, because Peeps are cheap and this is fun. For best results, invite friends over, become mildly inebriated, and place wagers. Happy Easter.


*And not the retarded flattened rabbit Peeps, either. I want the original pillowy chick Peeps.

Hot Buttered Grapefruit

Look into it. It's a surprisingly delicious smell, especiallly when the "butter" portion of the aroma is derived from fake butter powder used to flavor popcorn, and the "grapefruit" end of it comes from the dishwashing liquid used to clean out the bowl that held aforementioned popcorn. It's two chemically manufactured smells that combine in a surprisingly pleasing way.

"Hot Buttered Grapefruit" is also available for purchase should your punk, funk, or reggae band need a new name.

Is it possible to access the internet from the past?

Several of the venues I've investigated for our wedding have committed the heinous, yet curious crime of posting pictures that really should not have seen the light of day after 1985. Seeing as how the internet tubes were only connected to private homes in the mid-90s, this leaves me with the uncomfortable realization that someone not only intentionally kept these godawful pictures but proceeded to digitize and display them for the purpose of promoting their business.

It doesn't help that the majority of offenders are venues in California's Inland Empire, lovingly referred to as "the 909" even after they changed most of the area codes. Redneck is a state of mind, not just a telephone number, people. Stereotypes exist for a reason, and here's the photographic evidence, brought to you today by the Edwards Mansion. This house appears to be a beautiful Victorian-era mansion that has been mercilessly abused through unabashed installations of endless white garden lattice, gobs of tulle, and featureless stone cherubs that are meant to evoke Ye Olde Englande but instead remind you that there's a cut-rate landscaping store just down the street that was obviously having a sale on poorly formed molded concrete babies.

It's body-double time! Ready? Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

For their next crime against humanity, the Edwards Mansion has chosen to continue the theme of "Perhaps You Have Glaucoma." Really, if you're going to sell me on the beauty of your site, wipe the vaseline off your camera lens.

I'd like to close this post out with possibly the worst wedding decorations I've ever seen. Ever. I don't even have anything clever to say about this. I just hope the marriage didn't last long enough to produce children who would have to go through life knowing they were the product of this sad mess.