Why are you insulting my intelligence and goodwill?

I hate Cosmopolitan. I have hated Cosmo for at least a year, but it doggedly continues to show up in my mailbox because I'm not sure how long I subscribed to it. I have now acheived the level of hatred for Cosmo previously reserved only for Rolling Stone. I may be the only person with strong feelings for magazines, but there you have it.

I was flipping through the latest Cosmo so I could throw it away before anyone saw it on my coffee table. I bashfully present to my readers, in its entirety, the most offensive paragraph in magazine history. Its holistically terrible nature prevents me from editing it.

COSMO GOES GREEN
We're all concerned about protecting the environment, but sometimes the problem seems so huge, it's hard to know where to even start. Well, Cosmo is taking an easy step toward a better planet, and I hope you'll join us. Beginning with this month's issue, you'll see a Please Recycle logo in every Cosmo as a reminder of the simple effort it takes to make a big difference.

Okay, I left off the last couple of sentences as they consisted of recycling statistics calculated to make me feel like a terrible person. But before that -- really? Printing a "Please Recycle" logo is all it takes to "go green"? That's the best news ever! I'm off to the craft store for a stencil and a can of Krylon! There are a few Hummers in my neighborhood that could stand to go green. Could someone recycle George Bush? That would do a great service for those of us wishing to go green.

Also, what terrible writing. Cosmo takes the "easy step" of printing a logo, and they want you to join them? In... what exactly? Printing a logo? Please refer back to my can of Krylon to determine what a fantastically useful idea that is.

Okay, I've got the spins from that little bit of stupidity. I'm off to throw away -- check that, recycle -- my Cosmo before anyone sees it on my coffee table.