I never thought it possible, but a crime has been committed in my office even more heinous and un-neighborly than the Quarter-Donut-Leaver.

Today, I entered the kitchen to discover a decapitated muffin stump. That's right. Instead of cutting the muffin in half, as is marginally acceptable, some faceless person in my office took a knife and carefully sliced off the crusty, sugar-sparkled, perfectly browned top of a blueberry muffin, leaving only the tiny, textureless stump behind. Come ON. Nobody wants the stumps, including the homeless. Exhibit A: Seinfeld episode 155, "The Muffin Tops":

Rebecca: Excuse me, I'm Rebecca Demore from the homeless shelter.
Elaine: Oh, hi.
Rebecca: Are you the ones leaveing the muffin pieces behind our shelter?
Elaine: You been enjoying them?
Rebecca: They're just stumps.
Elaine: Well they're perfectly edible.
Rebecca: Oh, so you just assume that the homeless will eat them, they'll eat anything?
Mr. Lippman: No no, we just thought...
Rebecca: I know what you thought. They don't have homes, they don't have jobs, what do they need the top of a muffin for? They're lucky to get the stumps.
Elaine: If the homeless don't like them the homeless don't have to eat them.
Rebecca: The homeless don't like them.
Elaine: Fine.
Rebecca: We've never gotten so many complaints. Every two minutes, "Where is the top of this muffin? Who ate the rest of this?"
Elaine: We were just trying to help.
Rebecca: Why don't you just drop off some chicken skins and lobster shells.

I hope the Muffin Top Bandit regrets his or choice, be it through regret of their gluttony or some manner of exceedingly embarrassing digestive process.